“She’s too bossy.”
You’ve heard the stereotypes and seen the movies, Italians are loud, we wave our hands a lot, and we all have an uncle Tony (and a cousin Gino or Gina). In all honestly, apart from the American obsession with the Italian Mafia, the stereotypes are… pretty close to spot on if you’re talking about my family. There is no shame in saying that, New York Italian immigrants really get things done. At Christmas, you might hear us all shouting over one another, but we’re also all doing something to help: cleaning up, setting a table, greeting guests while the younger cousins take coats, and so on. My older uncles might be on the couch talking about someone’s Nonna trying to bring the whole baseball team a massive meal of cacciatore before a game, or of their uncles doling out “walking around money.”
Italians who immigrated to the East Coast appreciate other Italians from the East Coast — loud Italians who’ve often inherited fast, loud, and down-to-business New York culture. However, most other Americans… don’t feel the same.
I was moved to West Michigan to finish high school by my mother, and this is where I had my first few jobs. West Michigan is known as “nice” but really, its culture is passive, and that is how you are expected to be as a resident there. My first job was at an Italian restaurant called Amore run by Jenna and Maurizio Arcidiacono in Grand Rapids. They’re the “other Arcidiaconos” and actually ended up living across the street from us as I was growing up. Although we know no common relatives, we were like family. In this environment, I was encouraged to be loud, to be friendly and boysterous, and to make decisions that needed to be made to keep the front of house running smoothly from the hostess stand. My next job, however, did not reward these qualities. My next several, actually. Over the years, I learned to tone myself down to the point I would come home exhausted, feeling crushed. I kept my teams together in management roles and did my best to fit in and model after the other managers. I asked for feedback from my staff, I listened to and implemented their ideas, and I ensured our patients’ or donors’ safety. Still, I would hear that “someone heard” someone say I was too bossy, too loud, that they didn’t like me. Eventually, I refused to continue to “tone it down” and left. The thing is, it’s hard to be an effective leader if any kind of direct communication is punished. Of course it’s important to show deference, and respect, and to be kind and empathetic. But if speaking at a normal volume and having a more “alto” voice is punished, it becomes incredibly hard to be taken seriously in any capacity.
Moving back to California in 2018 I struggled in companies with similar cultures to West Michigan companies. Play nice, be quiet, you’re a “leader” in name only. Finally, I found a role with a small CPA firm in Hollywood. This role enabled me to take charge of the properties the CPA’s firms owned, overhauling their nonexistent marketing and leasing out units that had sat empty for months, all in the midst of a pandemic. This role finally showed me that all of the traits that I have that make me a good leader — actually do make me a good leader. The work ethic, dedication, loyalty, and yes, volume, I learned growing up in my boysterous Italian family have made me an asset to many clients since, and I’ve learned the importance of authenticity and playing to my strengths.
